Coke Justice

It all started with Tab. As a teenager desperately struggling to lose weight on a series of fad diets, I abused Tab to the tune of 6 to 12 cans a day.

When I was 16, for 30 days I ingested nothing but 2 tablespoons of liquid protein a day and 6 Tabs. I was desperate to slim down in time for opening night of The Music Man. The sad irony was that the reason I was desperate to lose weight was that I had been cast as Ethel Toffelmeyer, a plump single girl who danced well. As the pounds dropped away (I lost 25 that month), my costume had to be continuously altered. They added padding to make me look plump!

In the final week of rehearsal, with my parents and brothers out of town on summer vacation, I fainted in the middle of dancing and fell into the orchestra pit, fortunately landing on a commodious Tuba player. When I came to, a parent/doctor asked me how long it had been since I had eaten and I asked him what the date was and passed out again. Next thing I knew they were force-feeding me orange juice and oreos.

Eventually Tab gave way to Diet Coke, the more manly version. In the early 80's, I read some terrifying cancer predictions on aspertame and cut back to a few a week. From then on it ebbed and flowed. I'd drink a lot if I was on a diet. Less when I wasn't.

A year or so ago, I gave up caffeine cold turkey--I mean all of it, chocolate, decaf, everything (ever seen those people who brag that they don't do any drugs? They rasp, "I gave up alcohol, coffee, cigarettes, you name it, honey" all the while they're stuffing their face with hi octane dark chocolate--Dik, I'm not necessarily talking only about you).

Anyway it was extremely painful to give up caffeine, harder than it had been to give up heroin--oops, strike that. It was bloody hard. Eventually I phased back in decaf coffee rationalizing that the caffeine (while equal to that in caffeinated tea, especially the way I make decaf) was deminimus. But the dealbreaker was the diet coke. I thought it was a goner but the coke came back the very next month.

Then I discovered diet coke with vanilla--oh, baby! I love that stuff. Like But-tah. After that, combined with giving up alcohol and sugar this year for good, fuggedabout it, back up to 2 or 3 cans a day.

Then I read that Coca Cola owns a lot of water and has pursued heinous policies in developing nations, especially India. I am SHOCKED! I thought Coca Cola was pure and good! No, seriously, it is sobering and one more reason to quit.

But then what'd I drink? Water owned by Coke?