I Don't Have to Tell People I'm Setting a Boundary

I like to think that I know something about boundary setting, but I actually have only learned a few things, and highly imperfectly.  For that reason, I wrote a post about a year ago: the top 10 ways NOT to set boundaries. Since it was sarcastic and for that reason perhaps hard to understand, I am going to attempt a sincere approach this time.

First of all, the best books on boundaries that I've read are by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, both Christian ministers. A Bible passage alert is in effect for their books, which is great for those of us who love a spiritual thought well-grounded in Bible wisdom but for some it might be a deal-breaker. The original Boundaries book is really perfect for the person who has convinced themselves (or been convinced by the collective consciousness) that they are being loving by allowing themselves to have give and give and give without boundaries or limits. This book perfectly disabuses the notion that there is anything loving about allowing others to violate our boundaries. Cloud (and sometimes Townsend) also published Boundaries in Dating, Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, Boundaries for Leaders and Beyond Boundaries. All great. I have found Boundaries for Leaders particularly useful as a minister.

Most people who talk about boundaries, including Cloud and Townsend, will emphasize that boundaries are set and maintained by us, not by other people. This is so true. But today I'm going to focus on the single biggest piece of wisdom I've learned about boundary setting: there's no real advantage to telling the other person you're setting the boundary.
This is the thing I wish I had learned YEARS ago: One of the big obstacles that has kept me from setting boundaries (at least between my ears) is that I thought that in order to "set a boundary" I needed to talk to the person who had violated my boundaries; I needed to sit them down, tell them how they had hurt me or tell them what they were not going to be able to do anymore; or, at the very very least, tell them what I was or wasn't going to allow.

I would avoid, procrastinate, and delay "setting a boundary" because I couldn't possibly face that conversation and its terrifying emotional fallout.

What I wish I'd know years ago is that first of all setting a boundary (which might involve informing someone that I'm doing it) is not that important. What's important is holding a boundary. And if I am holding a boundary, then I don't need to inform anyone other than myself (and perhaps a trusted person that I hold myself accountable to), I just need to do it.

Example: I had a very close person in my life who was calling several times a day, and if they didn't reach me, leaving terrible voicemail messages about how I had ruined their life and how terrible I was and about all the things that I needed to do differently. Because this person was a very close relative who I was choosing to continue to have a relationship, I wasn't going to completely cut them off, but I also couldn't continue to abuse myself by speaking to them often and listening to their messages.

A trusted advisor suggested that I talk to that relative once a week only at a set time and stop picking up the phone or listening to their messages. At first, I misinterpreted the advice and procrastinated informing this relative of the new policy. Eventually I informed them. As I predicted, they were furious, hurt, and terrified. Their behavior and calls only escalated after I informed them. And when I called at the weekly time, they were especially abusive on the call.

I went back to the advisor and told them how it had played out. The advisor asked me, "why did you tell them you were doing this?" The answer: I never considered any other option! From then on out, I never informed anybody who I was holding a new boundary with that I was holding a boundary, I just did it.

If I could deal with a person coming over once a month for dinner but no more, I just invited them once a month, I didn't tell them it would be only once a month. Works like a charm.

The other plus is that if I don't inform someone of my new boundary, I'm the only one who knows if I can't do it.