It's Not Me, It's You

All of my spiritual training tells me to focus on me. All of it. I'm the only person I can change. I'm the only person whose behavior I can affect. Only me.

That's the bad news. Here's the worse news: not only can I only affect me, but everything I see or experience in the world is a reflection of me. Worse still: until I change my insides, the outsides are going to reflect what I think they'll reflect.

Naturally, the Buddhists have a story that illustrates this point nicely:

A visitor seeks out the village wise man and tells him, "I'm looking for a new village and I'm thinking of moving to your village. What are the people in this village like?"

"What were the people like in the village that you left?" asks the wise man.

"They were horrible: petty, judgmental, angry, they lied, they cheated, they stole. They were completely untrustworthy," says the visitor.

"That's exactly what the people in this village are like too," says the wise man.

The visitor says, "then this village is not for me" and walks on.

Another visitor to the village comes to seek the wise man's counsel, "I'm looking for a new village and I'm thinking of moving to your village. What are the people in this village like?"

"What were the people like in the village that you left?" asks the wise man.

"Oh they were wonderful. They were loving and kind and warm. They were generous and honest and true. They were completely trustworthy," says the visitor.

"That's exactly what the people in this village are like too," says the wise man.

So the villager stays.

Unfortunately, despite the many opportunities I've had to learn this lesson, the illusion that the difficulties in my life are caused by other people is still very powerful.

And I find that it is easy to find co-conspirators, people who are eager to co-sign the idea that it's not me, it's you (and it's not them either).

"Some people are just assholes, Sara," I got counseled last week.

But I wonder, are people ever assholes for Jesus the Christ, Siddhartha the Buddha, Mother Theresa or the Dalai Lama? In other words, if the Dalai Lama met my best most intractable assholes would he experience them as such? I doubt it very much.

Granted I am far from an enlightened being (and I almost certainly never will be). But that doesn't reduce this basic truth, as much as I may want it to be you, instead of me, it's me and it always will be.

Next week: can I run away from the me in you?